


What You Say of Me (I Believe)

by ByTheAngell (SomeLittleInfamy)



Series: Tumblr Prompts [69]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 3x18 breakup, Angst and Feels, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-11 02:41:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20538812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SomeLittleInfamy/pseuds/ByTheAngell
Summary: The longer Magnus is with Alec, who is always so honest and genuine, the easier it becomes to believe the kind words Alec says about him. But that works both ways when the words leaving Alec's mouth stop speaking reassurances and start telling Magnus what he's feared from the start.





	What You Say of Me (I Believe)

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: I was thinking something angsty and/or fluffy based on this very popular song: [You Say by Lauren Daigle. ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIaT8Jl2zpI)
> 
> A/N: I do not own any of the quoted lyrics in italics, those (as well as the lyrics I used for the title) all belong to the prompted song (which is much more hopeful than my fic lets on, I swear, I'm just in angst mode lately it seems!)

\---  
_“You say I am loved when I can't feel a thing_  
_You say I am strong when I think I am weak_  
_And you say I am held when I am falling short_  
_And when I don't belong, oh You say I am Yours_  
_And I believe”_  
\---

Magnus hears the words that come out of Alec’s mouth, but he doesn’t believe them. He can’t - he doesn’t know how. All Magnus knows is that he’s drunk, and he’s crying, and he’s shaking in the arms of the man he loves, murmuring sorries over and over again like a mantra. He can’t feel anything, he can barely form a coherent thought outside of the doubts and fears and shortcomings that fill his head, the ones that showed up one by one throughout the day and now crowd his mind until they’re all he has left. They’re so loud he can’t hear the soft words of comfort Alec whispers into his ear as he holds him, stroking his hair, running strong hands down his arms and back. 

Magnus tries to fight the voices in his head, but today they win. 

Eventually they subside, replaced by Alec’s repeated reminders that Magnus is loved, that he’s so much stronger than he gives himself credit for. Magnus hears the words and wills himself to accept them, allowing them to sink into his head and heart and soul. He falls asleep held close in the arms of his boyfriend, and for the first time all day he starts to believe that maybe this is where he belongs. 

\---  
_“The only thing that matters now is everything You think of me_  
_In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity”_  
\---

When Magnus wakes up the following morning, head pulsing with the dull ache of a hangover, it’s to an empty bed. He fears for a moment that he was wrong to believe, that his actions were finally too much, that the truth of who he is now scared Alexander away once and for all. And then he sees the note - _ Didn’t think you’d be up for the cafeteria, so I’m grabbing us breakfast. Be right back _. 

When Alec returns with breakfast Magnus expects to see pity, or hesitation, or possibly even disgust evident in the gaze that lands on him, makeup-less with eyes puffy from crying the night before and a half-smile he can’t bring himself to hold for much longer than a second. Instead all he sees in Alec’s stunning hazel eyes is a gentle, loving concern. Alec doesn’t treat him like he’s about to break, though he does offer him an herbal remedy for hangovers Jace and Izzy swear by, and the option to talk if he wants to. 

Magnus realizes in this moment all that matters is making things up to Alec. He needs to be the sort of person worthy of this unwavering love, the sort of person who will actually work to make himself better, and not just say he’ll try harder the next time, or the time after that, or the time after that… especially now that his time isn’t a guarentee. He never wants a repeat of the pained confusion he saw on Alec’s face the night before. He never wants to ruin another dinner, or be the reason that charming smile falters ever again. 

Alec believes he can be better, that he’s more than just his magic, that there’s a life for him out there yet. And Magnus believes in Alec, so just maybe he can see in himself what Alec sees in him if he tries hard enough. 

He may have lost a part of himself but he hasn’t lost everything. Magnus may not be able to go back to being the version of himself he was before but he can build a new life, find a new sense of identity, based on what he does have and what he can do with it. 

He can start here, and now, with Alexander. 

\---  
_“Taking all I have and now I'm laying it at Your feet_  
_You have every failure, You have every victory”_  
\---

Just when he thinks he’s starting to find his footing again his world is turned upside-down by a single moment in a bookshop. With nothing more to lose when Alec says he needs a break from them - a break from _ Magnus _ \- Magnus knows he has nothing left to lose. He takes everything he has and puts it on the table. This is all of him, the good and the bad, the best and the worst he has to offer. It’s all he has, the promise to fight for more victories than failures if Alec will just stay with him a little longer and give him a chance to make this right. 

In this final act of desperation Magnus lays himself bare, exposing every fear, every vulnerability, admitting it openly and acknowledging that he’s trying to change. He’s in pain. He’s weak. But he’s trying to be better, to be strong and deserving and find a place where he can belong in this world the way he is now, just like he promised he would, and isn’t that enough?

Magnus trusted everything Alec told him before: he believed there was a chance, believed things might be different than what the voices of doubt in his own head insisted. A day ago Alec said he loved him and told him he was strong. He said it with such honest conviction that Magnus believed him... and maybe Alec meant it in the moment. Maybe Alec was just too foolish, too young and naive to anticipate how quickly the world can turn sour when it isn’t going your way. 

So when Alec stands before Magnus now and tells him he can’t fix this, that he can’t fix _ them _; when Alec admits that he can’t be with Magnus after realizing that Magnus is nothing but a burden now that the spark inside of him is out for good… 

When Alec tells him he’s everything he feared all along, Magnus believes. 

\---  
_“Oh, I believe _  
_Yes I believe _  
_What You say of me _  
_I believe”_  
\---

**Author's Note:**

> (Find me on [Tumblr](http://bytheangell.tumblr.com) and also on [Twitter](http://www.twitter.com/By_The_Angell)! <3 )


End file.
